Ziggy Liberated

Note

2009-11-01T12:14:00.004-07:00

Just a quick note that I've moved the chapters from Ziggy's Journey to their own blog. This kind of avant-garde fiction doesn't look like something I'm going to be able to pursue on a permanent basis, and so I'd prefer not to muck up Ziggy Liberated with posts with a different tone and story. Feel free to browse the archives here as always - Ziggy Liberated has inexplicably maintained a reader base. Thank you!

Ziggy Liberated: The End

2009-05-17T19:01:00.014-06:00

Well, here we are - one year of Ziggy analyzed, sometimes heckled and only occasionally criticized. Ziggy Liberated is on the home stretch, and other things have taken my interest of late, but dangit if I didn't promise I'd tread the dusty trail to Ziggy's April 8th strip! And traverse the final week we will, in a little post I like to call "Too Much, Too Late."

I may eventually turn this site into something else entirely (we'll keep the archives, of course). Check back in a couple of months! It's been fun!

(Note: for an explanation of what this site is and why on God's green Earth I decided to do something like it, please see this post.)

Ah, yes - the old sign which has no function other than to comment upon and warn against its own existence. It's an old comedy standby, and for good reason - we're not comfortable with the idea of inanimate self-reference, particularly when the item in question exists purely for the purpose of this cautionary self-reference.

Of course, Ziggy's confusion may stem more from the fact that this sign wasn't in his living room yesterday and all of the doors and windows are still sealed.

I've been known to remark that there are two kinds of nations: those with ubiquitous bicycle racks and those whose citizens use the skin of tarantulas to make drums. I'd like to think that the irony in the statement protects me from any allegations of racism, yet it's undeniable that such a statement is shortsighted, impolite and uninformed. So it is without any fear of further ruining my reputation that I state that the best exchange rate in the world wouldn't cover up the fact that I'd be killed by enormous pitcher plants minutes after getting off of the plane.

"A coup!" the people shouted as the gen'ral came upon,
The television screen as he began to prattle on.
"Beware the FDA!" he said. "And shun the FCC!
In fact, the only one that you have cause to trust is me!"

He made his case quite plainly: "As protector of the peace
I've found myself quite able in my job, to say the least.
My warnings on tobacco, alcohol and magazines,
Have surely helped us all in steering clear of nasty things!"

"I've stood firm in my duties and I patiently await,
The transfer to my hands of standing armies and the State."

"Oh, wait. He went to that kinky medical school."

Geez, Ziggy really needs to catch on. These animals don't care if the movie doesn't have animals - they watch what they want!

"Hey, why are you eating that apple cereal if it doesn't taste like apple?"
"Shut your noisehole, Dad!" ™

Geez, climb up a mountain with nothing but your bare hands and look what happens at the top! I'm willing to bet here that this is the last time Ziggy every does anything again.

"Hyuk! Just thought that I'd poke my creepy head into your living space and make you fear for your own security! Don't mind me - I'll just be wandering around outside, critiquing the decor and just generally making a scat-coated mess of things."

We don't like the idea of nature intruding into our homes, though walls and ceilings are an arbitrary division and they occupy the same space. Frankly we're not too keen on nature in its own habitat, either: I vividly recall my youthful horror as a couple of ne'er-do-will fellow Boy Scouts on a camping trip spent much of their days catching crawdads and crushing their arms off with pliers. Were we to find a crawdad in our house I doubt we'd stop at the arms (and, though Good Samaritan I am, a piece of paper fitted under a cup hardly seems up to the task of letting them loose again outside).

Our fungicides, shoe soles and screens do an admiral job of reinforcing the illusion that there are two distinct and separate types of locations in this world: Inside and Outside. Good luck with that, human race.

Seems a fitting end to a year-long philosophical analysis of Ziggy. Thanks, everybody!

"I wuv you!"

A short story in two parts (and in reverse order!)

2009-04-23T18:53:00.002-06:00

Part ~~one~~ two: Why, Ziggy and his parrot are reading books in an attempt to explore each other's worlds and arrive at an understanding! What could be happening here?

Part ~~two~~ one: Ah, it seems that Ziggy ran across this bizarre amalgamation of walking and flying, and in an attempt to combine the two is collaborating with his parrot to discover the secret to levitation.

It ain't funny, but it sure makes sense.

A short story in two parts

2009-04-23T07:30:00.000-06:00

Part one: Bird gets angry at our protagonist for perceived cheapness.

Part two: Bird poisons local food in a petty attempt at vengeance.

I tell you, I was the soldier in that photo!

2009-04-22T18:43:00.003-06:00

It's a monument to all of the nobodies and unknowns in the world! Like the soldier and nurse who kissed at the end of World War II, masked people who rob bakeries and ghostwriters to celebrity memoirs! God bless you people for staying out of the way and giving credit to those with fame to spare.

Pychedelic Storytime Friday

2009-04-10T10:12:00.000-06:00

The teller to the left leaned toward ol' Frizzy Hair and whispered, "He means the used cardboard boxes from the back. I'll go get them." Ziggy's nose upturned, he waited with baited breath and began to draw on the spirits and advisors of the astral plane within himself, that level of consciousness accessible by only the most adept and socially inept:

. . . And arrived on a tall mountaintop, to face that wizened, decrepit representative of his subconscious self, that bearded out representative of his submerged ego who only speaks in bland, occasionally-offensive platitudes like "Change we can believe in", "Send our window washers back to Kyrgyzstan when they came from!" and "Protect Social Security! Kill an old person with untraceable poison!"

This side of Ziggy's personality was not one he was proud of - it had been repressed for a reason - and yet in confronting it Ziggy began to sense something about himself, a hidden bigotry that could be channeled, perhaps, rather than become mere energy squandered. As usual, Ziggy's quest to make friends while discovering his inner self led him to dial an old friend from this astral plane, and so ensued an enthralling, largely imaginary, one-sided conversation which ended in the typical manner:

For while Ziggy's friends were eager to help him, their opinion of his intelligence was not to be overestimated, a characteristic which persisted into the astral plane. Ziggy's spirit journey abruptly ended, for the bank teller had arrived with Ziggy's precious, precious cardboard boxes and a cryptic message:

"Oh, it's you," she said, correcting herself. "Just the boxes, then."

Bedeviled Appliances

2009-04-09T14:33:00.002-06:00

"And now, if you'll turn this way, I'll tell you the story of the Revengful Dishwasher, which will conclude the tour. Y'see, three years ago I had a habit of cooking up bootleg hooch in my Whirlpool. One morning, after finishing a particularly potent rinse cycle, the still within up and exploded, sending fortified spirits flying everywhere! Ever since it's felt a continual need to melt every plastic object within. This concludes the tour of my Hell House."

Creepy People Who Talk To You On the Bus One-Liner Sunday (Desperate Catch-Up Edition)

2009-04-05T13:17:00.015-06:00

"They - they may take me soon. I realized that after they finally repossessed our walls. I'm going to make a run for the Dairy Queen. Meet me there in five minutes and we'll talk about your crappy GM."

Twenty minutes later, Ziggy had a fresh pair of slippers.

This is how Ziggy excuses himself when surprised by sudden visitors while viewing his cute baby animal websites.

Ziggy's visitors have already tagged this strip with the word "cynical." Perhaps that's warranted: the answer to this bird's question is that the base of the bath is a pipe that goes directly to the kitchen of a Golden Corral buffet.

"OO-RAH ONGOLO MAKEESH!" Agents of the IRS will often begin to summon demons as a way of intimidating the taxpaying American into not staying long.

Unfortunately those two words, in their dialect, translate loosely as, respectively, "white meat" and "dark meat."

Not to mention that fact that these aliens have finally learned about out culture and our lack of common sense and have gotten very efficient at "processing" humans.

"The other secret is that I murder everybody I tell this to in an effort to preserve the first secret! It's funny how life works - enjoy your sloppy joe!"

This anthropomorphization of a common household object would have been more convincing if Ziggy hadn't told us last week that his cat needed "meow meow" money for heroin.

Ziggy has a secret Telephone Computer Voice fetish that he satisfies at a costly $2.99 a minute.

. . . and I Must Scream

2009-03-27T18:30:00.002-06:00

Though I have but a month or so left of doing this blog (I will be ending this feature with the analysis of April 8's strip), I can't help but feel that this feature is also winding down, much like the apocalyptic end of Bloom County or, for that matter, the way a friend will often go terribly mad before going on a vacation (whether the one follows the other is hard to tell). Ziggy's world for this past week seems more sordid, more terrible and arbitrary than ever before. I hope April 8 isn't some boring, mundane strip and I have to eat my words.

By the way, is this creepy?:

Yes, It's True

2009-03-27T07:30:00.000-06:00

How arbitrary, how random, how hellish is Ziggy's life! Further commentary would do injustice to this squalid scene.

Behind the Orange Door

2009-03-26T18:35:00.000-06:00

t's rare to find a new door while wandering through one's house, though on a fateful morning in March that's exactly what happened to our friend Ziggy. Now, Ziggy was not a particularly adventurous man, nor prone to much wandering, but this strange new sight seemed to hold a certain appeal to his interests. "Why, I wonder what could be behind this strange, dusty new door?" thought Ziggy, gripping the doorknob with frightening strength and opening the creaky hinges. But what he saw before him was both merely a surprising and terrible visage of the past:

"RELEASE ME FROM THIS LIFE!" yelled Ziggy to the unforgiving aether, his awkward adolescence now thrown in full regalia before his eyes. "I wish but to die for to escape this unkind sight!" But no succor was forthcoming.

Enterprise

2009-03-26T14:25:00.003-06:00

This vending machine's either a little insecure or just enthusiastic and dynamic. All yelling at people from the sidewalk and all: "Whatsa matter sir? You don't like soda? Well, you look like a punchy, enterprising individual so I have a deal for you. Three - that's three - bottles of Dasani in exchange for two quarters up front. I know you're busy but that'd be a heckuva bad offer to pass up, now wouldn't it?"

Everybody's in on it! "Salvation - that's right, spiritual and emotional salvation - for less than you'd spend on shampoo in a month. Well, maybe not you, kind sir, but you've got hair care money to spare, now don't you? All the secrets of life and it'll fit on your coffee table."

One-Liner Immortal Devourer of Souls Friday

2009-03-20T13:12:00.007-06:00

Provocative, to say the least. Is being deliberately provocative to this degree sufficient cause for revocation of one's business license? I say it is.

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near, Ziggy? They long to subject you to litigation and emotional anguish. And they want your lunch.

Once you've hit both fluid in your lungs and shaded nose, you're pretty much over the peak of recoverability anyway.

A related thought: If Ziggy dies in your backyard, all you can really do is throw him by his legs over the fence for the neighbors to take care of.

"Identity crisis? Hmm. . . you're too short for a murderous schizophrenic, but you'd be a great secret agent!"

"Actually, your generic change of name last week to 'National Bank' was pretty telling." Next week it'll be "The Money Place" and they'll only hand out Chuck-E-Cheese Tokens.

Ends of Ends

2009-03-19T08:12:00.005-06:00

A solitary sojourn to the ethereal Corner of the World - a place ravaged by the bloody excesses of Man, celestial in its imposed peace yet a silent witness to the barbarism that has led it to its permanent state of ever-weary yet paradisiacal mourning. A refuge only in the same absolute way as Death itself, this corner goes nowhere, for there is nowhere beyond to go.

Am I . . . speaking to Ziggy right now?

2009-03-18T12:12:00.000-06:00

Two cute punchlines in a row. And this one involves cell phone texting; I hope Old Man Wilson and his coerced cartoonist son aren't slipping.

Still, yesterday's "I'm full of fuzzy wuzzies!" Ziggy is better than today's "wry one-liner referencing financial woes in the context of modern society" Ziggy.

Of course, one particularly surreal Ziggy always has my undivided attention:

It's a happy kind of passed out. . .

2009-03-17T16:35:00.001-06:00

Aww. . .

Wait - has Ziggy given his pets alcohol?

Criticize the Art Tuesday

2009-03-17T11:03:00.001-06:00

Wow - it's no wonder that Frizzy Hair McGee chose a job with a bookstore, considering that she has the word "BOOKSHOP" floating perpetually over her head, and a helpful admonition for borrowers of self-help books nearby, forward and a little to the left.

A Life Lived Vicariously, Through Pixels

2009-03-16T13:57:00.003-06:00

I'd hate to see what similar alternative the lady at the dating service has to offer. Y'know, we've seen some pretty bizarre, insulting ultimatums from these people, or even premature rejection, but never the option for Ziggy to opt out of the system entirely. That's something our man Z should really consider while he's at home trying to get his stomach's fill from Red Lobster and Pepsi ads.

How the Mean Ol' Blue Man Stole Elm

2009-03-11T16:37:00.003-06:00

"But, you know, that blue jerk was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
'Why, my pantsless old chum,' the fake fix-it-man lied,
'There's a branch on this tree and it's on the wrong side!'
'So I'm bringing it back to my workshop, mon frere.'
'I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here.'

And when Ziggy at last went inside for a pee,
He went to his truck bed's and stuffed in the tree!"

Ceci n'est pas une pipe

2009-03-11T08:04:00.000-06:00

Looks like Fuzz the Dog decided to make at least one René Magritte painting make sense. Give a brief laugh and move on.

Failure in a Green World

2009-03-10T23:51:00.002-06:00

Ziggy also received several notices from several major law and financial forms informing him that he would never, ever be considered for a position with them. The fact that he's never heard of these organizations begs the question: can premeditated rejection exist? Is that even rejection at all? With the sky and grass bathed a hideous green do we even have very long left on this Earth with which to worry about petty scams?

One-Liners Worth Fighting For Sunday

2009-03-01T18:30:00.007-07:00

"Why are all of the mountains different colors? Why do I have a three-foot peak stuck up my tookus? When you can answer these questions, you will be worthy to sit on Peak No. 4G, three over and two to the left."

"Avaricious" is the word to describe this person. When you work for an organization that essentially cannibalizes people, devours their essence, then crushes their spirits it's only fitting to look the part.

Better caption: "Hey, Slick! Can I get some mutha******* birdseed over here!?"

Yup - Ziggy's slick. His pants slide right off.

Lesse - Ziggy's car should have "Republican Party" written across it, his head tattooed "newly-inclusive Conservatism" and the road "The Shadow of Bush." Am I forgetting anything?

Ziggy was not meant to be drawn from this perspective, unless we are to understand that he reproduces asexually. No - he's like a lizard! And when you cut off his nose, out grows another Ziggy!

Goodnight, everybody!

Ziggy's secret vices

2009-03-01T07:55:00.000-07:00

"This has been a reminder of government omniscience. We can and will find you. Have a nice day."

Ziggy seems to know all-too-well just exactly what this sign is talking about, and has no intention to give up his occasional dabblings in it.

Unhappy Medium

2009-02-28T13:59:00.002-07:00

Though a psychic who can remotely open your fly may not be particularly desirable (depending, of course, on your predilections), the fact that we can see Ziggy's smooth, curved buttflesh pretty much rules out pants entirely. I think it's more likely that this mophaired mentalist is tapping into an adult frequency by mistake on that old crystal.

(NOTE: To hear my two alternate, much funnier interpretations of this strip you'll need to ask me in person. This is a family blog, constant references to burning flesh and Armageddon notwithstanding.)

Coming soon to every shelf near you

2009-02-27T16:10:00.000-07:00

Some of us pay enough attention to Ziggy to notice this type of recycling. Still, it's possible that Ziggy is returning to the same store, comfortable enough to shed the disguise and try out some of the higher-shelved, more risque viewing.

Not to imply that Ziggy's world ever makes complete sense. Here he types out a frantic message to American newspaper readers, one which will not be heeded. Ziggy's been sending us coded messages for years - stock predictions, political analysis and only occasionally the explicit whereabouts of his abduction. He's so used to being misinterpreted that his cries for help have gotten ever more obvious. No help will come.

Duly feared squeakage

2009-02-27T15:39:00.003-07:00

His filthy, prowling uncle who keeps promising that he'll violate his court order and visit his beloved, traumatized nephew. You understand the apprehension here.

I'll bet he spells the word "woof" wrong

2009-02-26T18:28:00.002-07:00

Congrats to this Ziggy for running the cutest, strangest punchline/art juxtaposition this side of webcomickry. Needless to say, for this hapless passerby, whose sizable wealth was lost in an online scam, this little pooch looks anything but benign. The destructive powers of him and his ilk have left this man naught but an impeccable suit and hat, which will soon be worn and ragged like the getup of the rest of the homeless.

One-Liner Inevitable Showdown Between Good and Evil

2009-02-25T02:15:00.001-07:00

In 2009, the government began abandoning any pretense of fiscal responsibility, constructing full-size, color Ziggy statues in front of any and all federal buildings. The one in front of the Lincoln Memorial has no pants.

"Those aren't ditto marks. I've been trying to write a message to my birth father for three years, but can't get past the opening quotes."

"What an odd place for me to meet the man who's been sending me those anonymous, creepy letters for so long! I sure hope the snipers are quick enough!"

Actually, I suspect that Ziggy is drawn more by the arrow itself in his continuous search for direction:

So compelled forward he is, into the Pre-existing Condition Ward, where he will receive a treatment for Flipper Foot and a new waist, thus gaining the ability to finally wear shoes and pants, the way he does whenever the artist forgets what planet he's on and draws the strip that way.

And on his continuing zombiewalking adventure, Ziggy passes another humorous, ironic juxtaposition of two different concepts. They can't all be zingers. And does Universal Press Syndicate have an overabundance of blue or are the color-ers just on some kind of blue kick?

Dang - nice art. Easily the best I've seen in some time, and Ziggy's body is drawn with something approaching normal dimensions. The joke is pretty good as well - I give this strip the "Gold-Plated Psychotic Neon Ziggy" award:

As you can tell from this post, it's that time of night.

Polly wanna pizza

2009-02-23T16:35:00.000-07:00

His ungrateful little bastihd behavior continues. See, Ziggy bought an enormous pallet of crackers on the pretense that they'd be right suitable for, y'know, a parrot. These crackers are priced to move and Ziggy's not going to eat that kind of avian crap.

And he's clearly not the target market See, Ziggy likes blue things. He was willing to tolerate that parrot and his infernal brown stand, but this may be the last straw that allows him to acknowledge that he has long stood on the far side of the edge he fell over when Mother died.

Ominous. . .

2009-02-23T02:10:00.002-07:00

When you put your four bits into the machine, robotic hands pull you into the device through the tiny opening near the base, sparing no thought for the shape of your physical frame or the sounds of crunching bones and splitting flesh. You thus receive a free sample of hell, much like that which I have freely given with this description.

A TV remote as fat as a Symphony Bar

2009-02-17T08:46:00.003-07:00

Ten months ago when I forged Ziggy Liberated in the fires of Mount Most Unpleasant, I gave a solemn oath to give each multi-panel Ziggy strip my undivided attention. So far I've held myself to my solemn oath (despite the rarity of these occurences), all with an insatiable sense of internal wonder at Ziggy's breach of standard protocol.

Today we see "Josh" the Parrot and "Fuzz" the Dog engaged in a game of friendly interspecial domination. "Josh," . . . ah, forget it. The Parrot's dominance over the day's games can be inferred by the inclusion of his signature colors in the first panel. Though avian dominance over large blue-eyed dogs is uncommon (by all account the Parrot should have been playfully - and repeatedly - mauled by this point), there's little reason to doubt the value of instructing a dog to fetch what appears to be large bars of chocolate from a nearby Sam's Club.

Wack the Duck?

2009-02-15T18:45:00.001-07:00

Wait a minute - Ziggy's pets have names!?

From Ziggy's Wikipedia article:

Ziggy is a small, bald, pantless,barefoot, almost featureless character (save for his large nose) who seems to have no job, hobbies, or romantic partner, just a menagerie of pets: Fuzz, a small white dog; Sid, a cat afraid of mice; Josh, a discouraging parrot; Goldie, a fish; and Wack, a duck.

[Emphasis totally frickin' added]

Polly doesn't know what he wants

2009-02-13T16:16:00.003-07:00

Are animals capable of dishonesty? My cat certainly feigns displays of affection for food and attention, which in a simple, instinctual way is a type of lie. This parrot, on the other hand, says things that he clearly doesn't mean but that have become parrot custom (I'm sure he makes the same excuse following Tourettes-like bursts of racial slurs in public). Animals are definitely capable of their own types of subterfuge (like camouflage and decoy) though these usually entail life-or-death matters of protecting oneself from predators or entrapping possible prey. Humans admittedly do the same thing in slightly more sophisticated ways, if we allow "predator" and "prey" to take on more general meanings.

Anyway, there's no excuse for a supersentient parrot not understanding that "Polly wanna cracker" totally bloody means you want a frickin' cracker.

My Tandy has a tapeworm

2009-02-12T08:15:00.002-07:00

Ziggy is so desperate for human interaction that he invents preposterous stories just to get somebody to cross the threshold of his Lair of Blue Shirts and Walls. But camaraderie and friendship cannot cross this turquoise void, for deception is the basis of many a broken - AGH! My mistake, Big Z. I'll see what I can do. In the meantime, do you have anything to treat a laptop bite?

NOTE: For the purpose of this analysis you will need to imagine that this comic took place in the present, and that I was there. I know that's a stretch, but you wouldn't be reading a blog like this if you weren't ready for a bit of a stretch here or there.

Cats and Compys

2009-02-11T16:36:00.005-07:00

Actually, this already happened. As cute as that little kitty was, the Z never seemed to take a shine to her - we never saw her after the wonder of her initial multi-panel appearance. On the other hand, maybe she's referring to Ziggy's standby cat. Then again, those two never got along.

Now that we're on the subject of Ziggy's discouraging love life, let's see how things are going on the computer dating service front:

On second thought, let's not.

The next time you cut the strings of your corporate overlords, use Wescott Brand scissors!

2009-02-11T16:20:00.003-07:00

Ziggy's life is programmed lock in step, lock shock and sterile by the news media until his bold, embittered Brave New World sees only consumption and his e'er-arched ad-watching neck has developed a permanent crick which he now intends to solve with an over-the-counter medication. So the medicine cabinet has TV static. One good thing about our new corporate subsistence existence: it always comes back full circle.

One-Liner Doomsday

2009-02-06T11:02:00.000-07:00

"So this is what the Afterlife looks like!"

"Sorry, punchline - you're looking for Family Circus. It's right around the corner."

"Blue-est void in town within!"

"By the way, how do you feel about a little recreational probing?"

"Not on my watch, Goldilocks!"

SPECIAL GAME: Can you find the one-liner that doesn't make any sense? (NOTE: Only one nonsensical one-liner was intentional. You might have to hear me explain the other ones before you see the layers of comely comedy within.)

Consonance

2009-02-05T09:12:00.002-07:00

This sign's influence naturally extends for one full rotation across the breadth of the entire planet, serving to unify our sphere as a sort of grand artistic statement. Of course, without that crucial context it would seem really obnoxious.

Needless to say "Transformers" made it onto the shelf

2009-02-04T13:18:00.002-07:00

"Why, they have Big Momma's House! And The Complete Vin Diesel Collection! And what's that in the corner? Oh, boy! Battlefield Earth and all of its imaginary sequels!"

See? It's "Movies For People Who Are Dumber Than Dummies." So the shelf is full of unchallenging, obnoxious movies. Yes, that's the entire joke.

Perfectly understandable paranoia

2009-02-04T09:25:00.002-07:00

Emergency support services is wise to Ziggy's game by now, disavowing the existence of "911" while maintaining a basic level of professional courtesy. "Help, I've been tied up by toiletries!" "A giant squid is accosting me in my doorway!" And there's this.

Ziggy's life is in a near-constant state of danger and conflict, but he's as liable to bounce back with a semi-witty malaproprism or pseudo-informational "life's lesson" as anything. And I understand he uses a stunt Ziggy for any of the really dangerous stuff.

He's somebody's disowned half-brother

2009-02-03T08:56:00.002-07:00

". . . How about a nice slice of Adriano?" He doesn't work there; he just goes around soliciting the diners.

It's still better than the upcoming "Trek" flick

2009-02-03T03:17:00.000-07:00

It's as if Ziggy was misrepresenting himself: the green-flapped hunting hat, purple scarf, blue snow pants, large, bulbous nose and dog scream Shatner-era Kirk. Then again, this angry little extraterrestrial's grasp of Earth fashion seems tentative at best, if this mini-est of skirts is anything to go by. Ziggy has had sufficient contact with beings not of this world to know he need not expect anything particularly sophisticated. He's a medium for this sort of thing - now let's get a few Living Dead-themed strips, please.

One-liner Thursday

2009-01-29T12:03:00.004-07:00

". . . Is the person who let you ducks in and filled up the tub inside the house? Am I in danger?"

I think these people have been told in advance to taunt our flippered friend and send him away. "Sorry! All of the planet's women have rejected you! We'll let you know if one of them suffers head trauma or something and changes her mind!"

"Uh-oh! If Ziggy's refreshed then he might realize how ridiculous it is to keep me around!"

Withholdings: One (1) torso

Is this "standards week" on Ziggy or something? I'm noticing a theme here. I think Ziggy asked that flying starfish to relinquish its spot as the "Carl's Jr." mascot and live with him on this hairy mountain.

Ziggy wanders into El Beth-el, which has changed

2009-01-28T15:30:00.002-07:00

Interpretation #1: Passing through an empty field one day, Ziggy is confronted by the god who has filled his life with so much surrealism and pain, who has torn the "For Sale" sign off of his lawn just to taunt him and now shows it to him before casting it into the sea, knowing that nobody will ever believe him, and he never talks to anybody else anyway.)

Interpretation #2: God is selling the entirety of the Heavens and the Earth. Presumably he's going to buy a nice cottage somewhere in omnidimensional space with the earnings and take a nice break from running the entirety of everything.

Supplementary Comment: If neither of these interpretations hold I want some of whatever Ziggy's on. It sounds nice.

A behatted friend

2009-01-27T14:45:00.003-07:00

The discovery of this image obliterated any commentary that I might have had in mind:

It's nice to see that somebody else finds Ziggy worthy of incomprehensible derivation.

Expect nothing. Live frugally on surprise.

2009-01-27T07:35:00.002-07:00

No kidding. Possession of a huge, toothless walrus overbite hasn't kept this guy out of medicine.

"Now turn your head and SCREAM!"

Vāyu, on refulgent car come to the drinking of the juice

2009-01-23T15:37:00.004-07:00

Two contemplative travelers meet in the night. Torchlight leaves epic shadow.

Selections from Bodanga, an apocryphal Vedic writing

1. GURU, the bearded one, is led forward in a search for glory.
A sandaled one pursuing a God rejected.
2. Resplendent, his beard represents a funny geographical
formation, a scion bedecked in false robes, yet sincere.
3. Oh Rebus, give us riches, feed us with wisdom and with
the unbearable presence of the King.
4. And ask him if he will perform "Blue Suede Shoes" for us.

My apologies to ethnic Indians, orthodox Hindus, and anybody else who respects ancient scripture sufficiently not to parody it for a lark.

Everything comes to a head

2009-01-23T08:04:00.003-07:00

NOTE: The following analysis does not reflect Ziggy canon:

This looks like one of the climactic scenes from an Imaginary Character movie (Drop Dead Fred, Donnie Darko, etc.). The "psychologist" represents Ziggy's repression, his desire for sanity and stability, but the trail of bodies in his gruesome wake* show that an attempt at murder-free living is merely a temporary state, a brief pause before the continuing slide to moral and psychological oblivion.

Ziggy has finally stopped yelling "Shut up shut up SHUT UP!" in public while debating this mental construct, and has finally decided to take his frightening advice. "But if I take responsibility for my actions. . ." he thinks aloud, finally realizing that an attempt at requital, however impossible for such great crimes, would leave his illusory bearded, flamboyantly disco Willy Wonka of a doctor no further function to fulfill. By becoming "whole" he will lose his greatest and only friend, will look at his hands and, for the first time, see the blood thereupon.

Will weep but feel free.

* But far be it from me to suggest that Ziggy is a killer:

"I wanna stwangle wu!"

2009-01-22T16:17:00.003-07:00

The time-limiting nature of single-panel features aside, those birds never speak. Does Ziggy even see the orange bird, or is the parrot itself mad? There's an odd chain of madness going on here. I think Ziggy's house is more like Stephen King's apartment 1408, driving lesser beings to hallucinations, encroaching madness and eventual suicide. Ziggy, of course, is right at home.

One-Liner Thursday

2009-01-22T08:17:00.002-07:00

Can I assume that minors have a viable suicide point elsewhere on the peak?

The DEA tracks and controls illicit substances, so "this stuff" is probably pretty dang potent.

Sloooowly the camera pans down, to the dozens of D.E.A.-approved bottles lining Ziggy's feet. He's actually watching the Weather Channel, but we view the scene only through his eyes.

I think it's been a few months since I pointed out that Ziggy's life is a Boschian (as in Hieronymus) nightmare. I'm sure he has fleas quietly chastening him for his blood-glucose level.

Maybe they could start by shattering the public perception of mouseholes, which look more like scraggly holes in obscure corners and less like aesthetically-pleasing Hobbit entryways.

What is the "blue corn moon" anyway?

2009-01-21T23:21:00.003-07:00

Apparently, this bird never learned to paint with all the colors of the wind. He's getting too hung up about ownership, man, avian or hominid. He needs to keep in mind that Ziggy's house is less an ownable estate and more an all-species commune, where everybody just pretty much hangs out and lives, man, lives! No pot, though.

Shrink shrank shrunk

2009-01-13T14:35:00.000-07:00

Ziggy positively dwarfs this shrink. Maybe it's a visual pun. Either that or widespread bodily swelling on Ziggy's part.

Hot, desperate schlubs at $3.99/min

2009-01-13T09:55:00.000-07:00

Ziggy calls a special hotline just to talk to people who are more desperate than he is.

Out, dadburned spot!

2009-01-12T16:02:00.000-07:00

The body language here is important: Ziggy stares purposefully forward, in a frantic hope that the frightening hallucinations he is constantly subjected to are just that, and that the perpetual demons at the periphery will leave him be. If our titular hero was to continue driving for a few more panels I have no doubt we'd see a woman sharpening a baby on a grindstone, a bird made of knives carving up a cactus and Dane Cook trying out some new "jokes."

Purple pills...

2009-01-12T09:29:00.003-07:00

You'll notice that this funky machine has no payout slot, implying whatever sad moral you'd like to insert. Still, it's worth noting that you don't need to pay fifty cents to salvage a terrible situation.

A Piping Hot One-Liner Monday - Incomprehensibilities Galore

2009-01-12T09:10:00.007-07:00

A Christmas color-bedecked Elmer Fudd pauses to notice the clever inversions of typical holiday displays.

Does the fact that I don't get this in the slightest reflect negatively on my intelligence? I understand the concept of being served a literal tomato, but the "surprise a tomato" part of the joke may be a little too obtuse for me.

This strip further cements Ziggy as a surreal thinking individual's strip, or at least an incomprehensible one. Where is the mainstream description of wine as "amusing"? I thought we stopped this sort of thing at "tannic."

Case in point. Ziggy has gone positively Zen in a "one hand clapping" sort of way, wherein shopping is a spiritual, transcendent experience rather than an attempt at capitalistic exchange.

MENSA Question #117: This cartoon depicts an unlikely situation. Why would this not work?

Guru Bureau

2009-01-06T08:00:00.000-07:00

I'm not surprised to see this guru engaging in rampant acts of blatant commerciality - the juxtaposition of the holy and the profane is what we call humor around these parts. Still, we've dealt with the fact that one would have to climb down the first mountain and up the other to get access to that sweet, sweet air.

Santa Problems

2009-01-05T13:33:00.005-07:00

Santa snapped his share of necks in 'Nam and later on the streets of Detroid. He's shed enough hoodlum blood that he considers his current vocation a sort of insufficient atonement. But he doesn't need no punk bodyguard.

Someone taught this kid to hide behind the Constitution in private matters. As neither an agent of the government nor a member of congress, but a semi-creepy reverse burglar, it's plain that Santa is not bound by the Bill of Rights.

And why is Ziggy hanging around these kids?

But do they sell screaming gas?

2008-12-23T18:11:00.002-07:00

Making your patients uncomfortable is cheaper than laughing gas, yes.

TV Binge (and Purge)

2008-12-23T08:04:00.004-07:00

Since 2003, when it got really crapalicious, "Sesame Street" has been required by federal law to include this warning.

Don't you see? The Beast is inside all of us, inside our wallets!

The e'er-broken toaster causes more problems

2008-12-22T14:01:00.004-07:00

Toaster problems aside, it seems likely that Ziggy is about to stumble into some sort of organ-harvesting cult. That guy in the window has the awkward posture and stilted facial expression of a creature wearing a suit of skin.

My Rear Window-style aspersions onto the nature of reality in comics have never been proven false, exactly, in the sense that it's really impossible to prove anything false.

Criticize the Art Monday!

2008-12-17T13:29:00.005-07:00

Does searching through luggage make you that sleepy? And maybe he should dose his NyQuil instead of chugging it straight from the bottle.

Ziggy's hand does a remarkable job of staying cohesive, even as he holds his arms several feet apart.

No art criticism here - Ziggy's adorable cluelessness is readily apparent - but what clientele is that ice cream man trying to court? People walking from town to town?

No landmarks, no points of reference, just a blue void. Sounds like my brain come finals week.

Mr. Fix-it

2008-12-16T07:15:00.002-07:00

Depressed repairpeople often lie to avoid unpleasant tasks. Mr. Fix-it here seems to be barely holding to life - perhaps every appliance reminds him of his failed marriage. "Libby and I used to have a toaster", he thinks glumly.

It's interesting for Ziggy to be so savvy, though (though I suspect this is just an accident), as the "Framistan" is a long-rumored Apple product that never saw the light of day (really). Considering that Ziggy uses his iPod to scrape snow off of his car I suspect this reference was unintentional.

Now get some more awkward swans together and make a bevy

2008-12-16T04:57:00.000-07:00

Wait a minute - that swan has land palsy! Medic! I find this strip oddly compelling.

Too controversial and too awesome for actual children

2008-12-15T18:50:00.003-07:00

The usual tendency is to make some sort of "Why, I never expected to see this warning before [some sanitized show like Lawrence Welk]." Then it occurred to me that some of my friends actually enjoy Lawrence Welk in an ironic way, and that edgy shows often use these types of warnings as a way of complying with network standards while intriguing people into subversive programming. So this isn't really parody.

Aesop was right!

2008-12-15T12:32:00.003-07:00

Chicken Little was more of an environmental apologist than a financial pundit, but I supposed that Chicken Little would be "right" in any situation that involved something trending downward. Although in this case it has less to do with chunks of the stratosphere raining down onto your head and more to do with child care and fending off inevitable starvation. Stop buying the fancy mustard, guys!

Genuine Bonafide Electrified

2008-12-15T12:28:00.002-07:00

"Yes, that's right - your very own anti-Semitic automotive visionary buddy for those long car trips! It collapses! It sputters anti-immigrant propaganda! It dies in 1947! Be the first on your block to throw yours away!"

One-Liner Tuesday

2008-12-09T09:12:00.008-07:00

Yes, for the record - "One-Liner [Weekday]" is just a convenient way of catching up when I fall behind by banging through a week's worth of material. With that in mind, let the shamelessness commence:

By the looks of it, Jerry just lit Tom's tail like a fuse and blew the sucker up. Of course, in real life the cruel carnivore always wins, so I have no qualms about subverting reality for television programs.

Well, seeing as he's eaten all the pets, you might as well make him a new character.

Demon Mirror Ziggy seems to show little respect for the fourth wall.

"And in your park, you can hunt wabbits without pants!"

Actually, it's usually about Ziggy's father.

Don't buy the Judge Parker Crunchies, kids!

2008-12-06T07:52:00.001-07:00

Actually, Ziggy's eating "Trail Mix", the only snack food fully licensed and endorsed by outdoorsman/animal-loving ranger Mark Trail. Maybe a look at the ad will give some proper context:

Bad things happen when you only have MS Paint available.

Midnight murder?

2008-12-05T15:04:00.000-07:00

My parents warned me about trolls. Way to not look suspicious, guys!

The deli experience

2008-12-04T18:25:00.000-07:00

The fact that a beak is made of very firm bone and incapable of distinct vocalization means that even a super-intelligent bird (with a highly-developed birdbrain to match) would be completely unable to beg in even the slightest capacity. This leads to a fair bit of frustration and occasional miscommunication - the bird meant to ask for some of that sweet, sweet meat.

This bird wants to ask you for your lunch.

"Your money's blood will water the MINES!"

2008-12-04T14:20:00.002-07:00

Most private citizens have little to no hope or understanding the current economic crisis - ascribing blame without information to any particular group is really no different than blaming oil prices on redheads or acne on the Jews. But this bank teller deserves at least some minor condemnation for turning a financial downturn (or possibly even theft) into the kind of aphorism Ziggy is likely to shrug off and accept. As long as an explanation is delivered with lowercase "i"s and those bizarre, inconsistent exclamation points, it's completely Ziggy-compliant.

One-Liner (Turkey) Thursday

2008-11-27T08:15:00.004-07:00

Leering perverted aliens - Happy Thanksgiving!

Avian anal violation - Happy Thanksgiving!

A mechanic's negligence nearly leading to death - Happy Thanksgiving!

Ziggy's poultergeist finally starts following him around, Grudge-style - Happy Thanksgiving!

Today's One-Liner Thursday only had four strips, and was fairly dark besides, so I feel obligated to post the following once again:

Albertson's Park

2008-11-26T18:20:00.000-07:00

Ah, yes - the attitude of the government toward the private citizen. What hasn't already been said? As history's proven, when the "taxpayers" own something, nobody really owns it. All of the regulation comes from small groups who micromanage each plot of land so thoroughly that taxpayer interest and input doesn't even come into the picture.

Kindred Spirit to Patty and Selma

2008-11-26T14:14:00.003-07:00

Superstitious as he is, Ziggy really shouldn't expect anything more from such a tired woman. She's got that "mother of three toddlers" look in her eyes and is accustomed to shielding her sanity through doing the bare minimum expected of her. He might want to look up from the crystal ball and read this woman's body language: There's ten minutes left of Blue's Clues and I haven't had my morning cigarette.

[Character] and the [Item or Event]

2008-11-20T14:46:00.003-07:00

"Dad?"

"What is it, Tom?"

"I found this old cartoon we were working on back in 2004. We had it colorized and everything, but never ran it."

"Son, you have no idea how glad I am to hear that. Send it off to the syndicate and get the tackle box."

"Dad, I should let you know that the humor is fairly dated -"

"Son, what did I say last time?"

". . . I'll address the envelope."

"And what?"

"And get the tackle box."

One-Liner Thursday

2008-11-17T11:27:00.007-07:00

"Help! All of the puns are coming alive! RUN!"

Ziggy is using the sheer unbridled power of his anxieties for home security purposes. Those hulking, brutish behemoths stay not their hand.

You can say it. Troll? Big-nosed flipper-footed oaf? Purple-shirted. . . ah, you get the idea. The gist of this strip is that Ziggy gets no respect, not even from cross-eyed button-pushing carrot-haired - whoops, I'm doing it again.

I'm not touching this one. I'm not even telling you the jokes that I'll avoid making about this one.

The goldfish's bags under his swollen eyes attest to the disease that will soon kill him. I guess this is what you'd call a "cute" strip.

When did Ziggy surpass Frinky Wankerbean in dishing out daily doses of depression? The difference is that most strips with suffering do it sequentially, allowing characters to overcome or be overcome by trials and eventually come to terms with things. Ziggy's life is more of a Sisyphean nightmare. He'll have one leg in the grave one day, only to throw out a warm generalization about proper financial planning the next.

Maybe he's already dead. Maybe that's the "twist".

No Turn For You

2008-11-17T11:24:00.002-07:00

Love the watercolor look in these strips, but I would think Ziggy would be above making fun of the unusual speech patterns of minorities. And only in the world of Ziggy do street signs sport italics.

The worst part is that it's running Vista

2008-11-15T15:50:00.003-07:00

Wait a minute - Ziggy bought that evil, disembodied computer? One that speaks and hates Ziggy and all humanity by association? And all it does all day long is carp and criticize Ziggy's behavior while providing little if anything of use in return?

You were thinking of somebody. Don't deny it.

Glop-Tarts (There's probably a better pun out there)

2008-11-15T08:37:00.001-07:00

Ziggy usually handles slapstick pretty well. But shouldn't that thing be, y'know, warm? I can barely hold a Pop-Tart when it comes out of the toaster, and Ziggy's covered in its molten gore. His lack of screaming and eye-clawing indicates to me that the thing must have "popped" while cold, which I feel points toward botulism. I'm aware that botulism is usually associated with canned goods, but the alternative is weeks of blister-faced Ziggy and nobody wants that.

Ziggy is one of the only features in newspaper comics with the cajones to refer to products and corporations by name. Suing Ziggy would be like knee-capping Fred Rogers.

This post does not contain the word "Verminator"

2008-11-14T15:37:00.002-07:00

This is actually a pretty absurd and adorable strip if you can get over the dated humor and odd syntax in Ziggy's pseudosentence. That little wind-up squeaker working its roundabout way to the resident housecat, where it does. . . what? I prefer to think it's just a wind-up mouse, making the whole situation just that much cuter. I don't always see impending Armageddon in this feature.

So what happens when animals learn to make convincing facsimiles of themselves with hidden powers? I leave you with that sobering thought.

He also controls the stove of hellfire

2008-11-13T16:17:00.004-07:00

Really? I'd love to read that Bible. Judging by the looks on both the cat's and parrot's faces (the dog being incapable of holding malice), Ziggy is the kind of God that you carve up and throw into a volcano.

Still, this gets into the question of worship through utility. Culture throughout history have worshiped some non-omniscient, non-omnipotent beings merely because they believed them to have control over some singular aspect of their existence. For hunter-gatherers it was fertility and protection from death and disease, while primitive agriculturists followed beings with control over the rain and invading pests. Modern Christians train their children to pray for random favors such as bicycles and generic "blessings" for others. After all, if you can't do it for yourself, then isn't there something remarkable about the one with that particular talent or ability? All of this is just a roundabout way to say that, within a limit subsection of Animalia, a God of can openers may not be that farfetched a concept.

EDIT: Somehow I printed this one on the wrong day. I doubt it will destroy the Ziggy chronology.

The well itself wishes for nothing. . .

2008-11-13T09:11:00.004-07:00

If the Make-A-Wish foundation began charging a nominal fee for wish fulfillment, a protest cartoon such as this might be appropriate. Of course, Ziggy's about as politically-minded as your average teaspoon, but I'm sure he'd consider that merely adding 25¢ to any wish is an easy way to recoup that cost.

Assuming that its promise holds true, this well is like some sort of all-purpose wonder appliance. You could have somebody whacked for a quarter, find the love of your life (also for a quarter), or, for a quarter, polish your shiny, shiny head.

I've seen this well before. . .

Fill the world with surprise and horror

2008-11-13T08:07:00.001-07:00

Ziggy was menaced by an unusually-aggressive lobster the last time he came here. The restaurant always dumps their secret breeding projects off on their most timid, introverted customers, like the time Woody Allen came in and was served a live puppy that could shoot its quills. After awhile you start wondering by Ziggy bothers to tie that napkin except as protection.

A twilight mailbox trip

2008-11-13T03:52:00.000-07:00

The dog's teeth are completely straight and normal, so why do they look so sharp and menacing at first glance? This is possibly the most vicious I've ever seen this li'l pup, barring the possibility that the blue-nosed one is some sort of kindly alter-ego:

And what kind of pooping and barking inspires hate mail? For surely this dog is capable of nothing particularly deviant or predatory.

They also call the stuff "waft"

2008-11-12T15:15:00.000-07:00

Ziggy provides us with an inadvertent look at a horrible future - one where pollution, lethargy and decay have turned the world into a wasteland and the landscape is dotted with posh Oxygen Dens - hovels of iniquity where citizens gather together to "catch a breeze", as they call it, breathing pure, unfiltered 02 instead of the gaseous nutrition cocktail cooked up by the government. Cheaper still are the guys on the street asking "Buddy - want a whiff?" and holding out breathing masks, but you don't know where those ventilators have been.

And that's the only stand in the store

2008-11-12T08:04:00.002-07:00

Ziggy has been reduced to performing illicit favors to pay his cell phone bill. Tell me this wasn't what the author intended.

I think Ziggy could climb right up a wall with those feet. *Spluck spluck spluck*! How did his race evolve like that?

The grave little toaster

2008-11-11T16:00:00.001-07:00

I'd love to see this whole toaster thing (including yesterday's) develop into some kind of possession subplot. This being Ziggy, one of the few comic strips where you can still show horrible things happening and not get in trouble, I think it would fly. Of course, when you put twenty slices of bread into your toaster you've forfeited your right to act surprised when things go wrong.

One-Liner Tuesday

2008-11-11T09:40:00.007-07:00

Welcome to One-Liner Tuesday, where I blow through five Ziggys so you don't have to. More astute readers may notice that I often use two or three lines on One-Liner day. This troubles my little OCD mind more than it should:

Everybody else's self-worth fluctuates with market conditions; I don't see why Ziggy should get a pass. Even that flower is stooping over in solidarity.

If this were Garfield, we'd have to sit through a "What's in this coffee?" joke. Seriously though - what?

Pushing Ziggy into insulin shock is the only way the hospital can keep billing Medicare. So the Z's in the hospital - does this mean the toaster thing was a hallucination?

If I found dialysis that cheap I'd go for it.

"But then it was cold, and goats starting biting my hair making me generally of a cantankerous and angry disposition. And if that's not inner peace, I don't want to know what is."

Empty MD

2008-11-09T07:53:00.001-07:00

Ziggy's doctor is going to harvest him for his organs, and sell that cute li'l blue shirt on eBay.

How does one measure a moebius?

2008-11-08T16:37:00.002-07:00

Ziggy's life is a grey amorphous mass, populated from day to day by an unchanging cast of dysfunctional characters, trite malaproprisms and "aint-that-how-life-goes" one-liners, each and every one a feeble attempt to deal with the unending monotony that characterizes his existence. It's a Groundhog's Day that only technically moves linearly forward, a Kafkaesque nightmare sans the cockroach, a gorilla on his back that just keeps on eatin' nanners. It's not as severe as Hell, but it's as futile and it's as colorless and drab . And how many of us are any different?

Hi! My name is Dustin, and I write a Ziggy blog.

Their mouths are cleaner than ours, you know. . .

2008-11-08T08:17:00.000-07:00

Way to upset the established order, Ziggy; California oughta get a Proposition or three out of this.

And doesn't the couple on the left look like the same sort of smarmy happy couple you always see in places like this, particularly when you're single?

Robot Overlords etc. etc.

2008-11-07T15:42:00.003-07:00

Ziggy's car has built up an aversion - perhaps even an allergy - to its owner in anticipation of the upcoming robot war. There are those who will argue that automobiles, even Onstar-equipped ones, have no central intelligence and thus nothing in common with robots. These people will be proven wrong when all consumer autos rise with the robots in the service of Machinedom before the End Times of humanity, flanked on the left by wireless appliances and on the right by Segway-mounted Blackberries.

Critique-the-Art Wednesday

2008-11-05T16:07:00.000-07:00

The monolithic signs of an arbitrary, yet quirky State Highway Department have led Ziggy to cope through drunk driving. And check out that cuh-razy windshield!

In this panel, Ziggy has shrunk to Lilliputian levels that have brought his suction-cupped feet ever closer to this filthy porch and left him jumping for the doorknob. His mind, thankfully, remains large enough to contemplate the puzzling Paraprosdokian his erstwhile guests have left him.

Ziggy might not be as small as he seems - here Tom Wilson seems to be using Peter Jacksonesque camera tricks to make the good Doctor seem much larger than he actually is.

And does Ziggy have some kind of immuno-deficiency disease we don't know about? Is he going to fade slowly like Freddie Mercury, uttering one last generic one-liner before his tiny candle quietly snuffs itself?

The color scheme in Ziggy's house could make a clown vomit. This clown, no less.

Ziggy's post office is a nondescript window unfolding from the aether. Winky Dilbert Tie Greenshirt needs up to read up on USPS regulations.

"That reminds me of MY experiences with [Insert OS]!"

2008-11-05T11:14:00.001-07:00

That computer is angry because it doesn't have a tower. I would be too.

Pandora's Shocks

2008-11-01T08:38:00.001-06:00

Not much changes in Ziggy's life. Six months ago he was facing these machines, and today he finds himself standing before yet another oddly-rendered vendor, painted with a sick vitamin purple/grey and an ominous slogan. What could be inside that machine? I'm guessing elephantiasis.

Health Decoder Rings Out!

2008-10-23T16:02:00.001-06:00

Due to a bad case of Not Feeling Very Funny, I haven't posted for awhile. But what's this guy's expose for moping? I mean, besides the terrible business arrangement he's currently working through?

Best to Skip This One

2008-10-23T08:12:00.005-06:00

"But that's madness!" Ziggy said, backing toward a display of cheap metal birdhouses. Undaunted, the mad-with-child Customer Service Representative continued to pursue, stamp in hand, a mad, inventive gleam in her bloodshot eyes. Seconds later, he lay in a corner, delirious with fear, and just as the "FRAGILE" stamp went crushing down onto his forehead and he blacked out, he could have sworn he heard the fetus whisper: "Crucify him. . ."

Bratwurst and Borscht

2008-10-22T17:12:00.003-06:00

Actually, maintenance of the roads has been in the hands of a very high-level group of "meddlesome busybodies" ever since the Federal Highways Act of 1956 signed by President Eisenhower. Y'see, the idea was that in the event of a full-scale invasion of America, the nation's
troops would be able to make the nervous trek over to whichever coast had rampaging Krauts and Russkies shootin' our cats and dogs and baking us into bratwurst and borscht. Between the Highways Act and the fact that the federal government is Constitutionally obligated to regulate the roads traveled by the Postal Service, the Feds are pretty much in charge of the sum total of our nation's roads.